Saturday, November 14, 2015

Losing weight and keeping secrets

Goals are finicky little things aren't they?  You set one and it seems so achievable and you think to yourself, 'Hey, I've got this' and then BOOM you hit your first roadblock and this easy little goal becomes this ginormous monster!  Please tell me I'm not the only one who has this struggle?! Goals can be so brutal.

I say all of that to tell you that today, I hit one of my goals. I slashed off that last half pound to get me to my ten pounds lost mark.  Let's say goodbye to those pounds and hope to never see them again.  

In other news, I had a phone consultation of sorts with my doctors nurse about some medication I've been on and what the next step is now that it's gone it's job.  (For anyone lost, go back a few weeks and read my post titled 'Losing'.) The call went more successful than I had hoped for.  Until about a week ago I was on birth control and another fun drug called Megace.  Those were both meant to help me correct the excessive bleeding I was experiencing from a tumor that was in my uterus.  I'm happy to report that the tumor is gone and we are now moving along to the next step in controlling my PCOS and more importantly, creating our next baby Penrose.

I know it's probably crazy to consider getting pregnant again so soon after losing my last baby, but it took me 11 years to get my Mara and I don't want to wait another 11 for her siblings. I'm no spring chicken after all!

Are you still trying to figure out what the secret part of this post is?  Well dearies, the secret is that my Jamie doesn't know that the doctor has started me on fertility treatments.  I may tell him yet, but I have another one of those finicky goals I mentioned earlier. I want to carry this joyous burden by myself until I get good news or bad news.  One of us worrying is quite enough, don't you think?

Maybe later we can debate how awesome I am at marriage for keeping secrets like this from my hubby...ugh, there's that guilt again 😟. Anywho- I guess we'll see if I hit this next goal or not.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

It Pains me to say...

Today I am a failure as a mother.  I look at her, finally quiet for 2 minutes and I'm still seething with rage.  The constant crying because she wants something she can't have. Or because she can't reach something she can have because she threw it too far. Or worse, crying just because.  

Today I want to walk away from being a mom.  I know how horrible that sounds.  I lose the best part of my daughters day because I have a job. So instead of playing with her and teaching her things and watching her grow, someone else gets to spend their day with her while I work to pay them to do-so.  I'm sick of only getting her crankiness. I see more of that then I do happiness and I'm over it.  This isn't what it's supposed to be like, is it?  I can hear the crowds now... 'Pick her up and cuddle her if she's crying!' Let me just tell all of you...kiss my ass! This girl doesn't cuddle unless she's already asleep.  When she is upset, the last thing she wants is you pulling her close. That just makes the crying louder.  So spare me the good parenting antics because you don't know my kid.  I'm as sick of other people's judgement as I am of her tears right now.

I'm already shaking my head because I know in 2 hours I'll have calmed down, and I'll regret showing how weak I was.  That's two hours from now, though, and right now, I'm full of piss and vinegar.  Watch out world, you've got an overwhelmed momma on your hands.