Friday, September 25, 2015

Losing

Losing sucks. 

Losing a game, losing your car keys, losing your memory, losing someone you love. It's the worst. Thumbs down.

You know what I hate most about losing? That hopeless feeling you get when you realize you lost.  The sinking in your stomach, the quiet rage, the embarrassment.  All of it.

Today, losing is taking first place.  I'm in that horrible place where nothing feels good and all you can do is remember what you lost.  

I wish I had something wise to say. Something that would keep you riveted in your seat that tells you to keep reading because it might get more interesting.  Sorry folks, my tank is empty.  

Today I was reminded, as if I could forget, that my body is failing me. Remember me telling you about PCOS and how I had to eat differently because of it?  Lord, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Not only did I have to face the fact that this stupid disease (that by all accounts shouldn't even be a disease with the advancements in medicine today) has taken a child from me.  

On September 9 at 12:42 PM I found out that not only was I with child, but I was at the advanced stages of losing it.  I had gone in to see the doctor about some excessive bleeding I'd been experiencing when I found out that I was actually having a miscarriage.  

I tried for 11 years to get my sweet little girl, Mara.  Lord knows I am so grateful for her. But to find out that your second baby was both here and gone all at once was so devastating. I kept asking myself, why am I hurting this bad? I didn't even know I was pregnant.  And yet, there's this enormous hole full of sorrow and blame. My baby. Gone. I lost.

No comments:

Post a Comment