Saturday, November 14, 2015

Losing weight and keeping secrets

Goals are finicky little things aren't they?  You set one and it seems so achievable and you think to yourself, 'Hey, I've got this' and then BOOM you hit your first roadblock and this easy little goal becomes this ginormous monster!  Please tell me I'm not the only one who has this struggle?! Goals can be so brutal.

I say all of that to tell you that today, I hit one of my goals. I slashed off that last half pound to get me to my ten pounds lost mark.  Let's say goodbye to those pounds and hope to never see them again.  

In other news, I had a phone consultation of sorts with my doctors nurse about some medication I've been on and what the next step is now that it's gone it's job.  (For anyone lost, go back a few weeks and read my post titled 'Losing'.) The call went more successful than I had hoped for.  Until about a week ago I was on birth control and another fun drug called Megace.  Those were both meant to help me correct the excessive bleeding I was experiencing from a tumor that was in my uterus.  I'm happy to report that the tumor is gone and we are now moving along to the next step in controlling my PCOS and more importantly, creating our next baby Penrose.

I know it's probably crazy to consider getting pregnant again so soon after losing my last baby, but it took me 11 years to get my Mara and I don't want to wait another 11 for her siblings. I'm no spring chicken after all!

Are you still trying to figure out what the secret part of this post is?  Well dearies, the secret is that my Jamie doesn't know that the doctor has started me on fertility treatments.  I may tell him yet, but I have another one of those finicky goals I mentioned earlier. I want to carry this joyous burden by myself until I get good news or bad news.  One of us worrying is quite enough, don't you think?

Maybe later we can debate how awesome I am at marriage for keeping secrets like this from my hubby...ugh, there's that guilt again 😟. Anywho- I guess we'll see if I hit this next goal or not.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

It Pains me to say...

Today I am a failure as a mother.  I look at her, finally quiet for 2 minutes and I'm still seething with rage.  The constant crying because she wants something she can't have. Or because she can't reach something she can have because she threw it too far. Or worse, crying just because.  

Today I want to walk away from being a mom.  I know how horrible that sounds.  I lose the best part of my daughters day because I have a job. So instead of playing with her and teaching her things and watching her grow, someone else gets to spend their day with her while I work to pay them to do-so.  I'm sick of only getting her crankiness. I see more of that then I do happiness and I'm over it.  This isn't what it's supposed to be like, is it?  I can hear the crowds now... 'Pick her up and cuddle her if she's crying!' Let me just tell all of you...kiss my ass! This girl doesn't cuddle unless she's already asleep.  When she is upset, the last thing she wants is you pulling her close. That just makes the crying louder.  So spare me the good parenting antics because you don't know my kid.  I'm as sick of other people's judgement as I am of her tears right now.

I'm already shaking my head because I know in 2 hours I'll have calmed down, and I'll regret showing how weak I was.  That's two hours from now, though, and right now, I'm full of piss and vinegar.  Watch out world, you've got an overwhelmed momma on your hands.

Friday, September 25, 2015


Losing sucks. 

Losing a game, losing your car keys, losing your memory, losing someone you love. It's the worst. Thumbs down.

You know what I hate most about losing? That hopeless feeling you get when you realize you lost.  The sinking in your stomach, the quiet rage, the embarrassment.  All of it.

Today, losing is taking first place.  I'm in that horrible place where nothing feels good and all you can do is remember what you lost.  

I wish I had something wise to say. Something that would keep you riveted in your seat that tells you to keep reading because it might get more interesting.  Sorry folks, my tank is empty.  

Today I was reminded, as if I could forget, that my body is failing me. Remember me telling you about PCOS and how I had to eat differently because of it?  Lord, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Not only did I have to face the fact that this stupid disease (that by all accounts shouldn't even be a disease with the advancements in medicine today) has taken a child from me.  

On September 9 at 12:42 PM I found out that not only was I with child, but I was at the advanced stages of losing it.  I had gone in to see the doctor about some excessive bleeding I'd been experiencing when I found out that I was actually having a miscarriage.  

I tried for 11 years to get my sweet little girl, Mara.  Lord knows I am so grateful for her. But to find out that your second baby was both here and gone all at once was so devastating. I kept asking myself, why am I hurting this bad? I didn't even know I was pregnant.  And yet, there's this enormous hole full of sorrow and blame. My baby. Gone. I lost.

Monday, September 21, 2015

The Struggle, Nay! The Marvel

Today I am looking at day 6...or maybe 7?  Heck, it could even be day 8, of my PALEO diet.  According to my doctor, to help with having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) I have to take on new extreme eating habits as my body is having issues with insulin, hormones and an overdose of other bad-yucky stuff that is keeping me from feeling good.  In case you haven't read any article shared on Facebook in the last 5 years, apparently pesticides, preservatives and GMO's are really bad for you!  Who would have thought?  Apparently a lot of people, actually, but that's not the point [insert smug look+eye roll].

Let me start by saying that I am overweight. Like...a LOT overweight.  Like...I-weigh-as-much-as-two-women-who-are-at-my-ideal-body-weight-for-my-height overweight.

Do I feel overweight?  Yes.  Do I feel THAT overweight?  No.  To be honest, I feel like, on the scale of overweight women, I look pretty damn good and I suffer from very few 'big girl' limitations.  My body, however, disagrees with my overweightedness (<------is this even a word?) and is rebelling against me.  Chubby cuteness aside, it's time for change, and in case no one ever told you; Change is hard! (More on the subject of overweight girls from the view of an overweight girl to come)

Rather than spell out my every amazing meal [insert above-mentioned eye roll] I'll tell you what I've struggled with so far, and what I've marveled in as well.

The Struggle
No. Starch. Ever.
Yes, I said it.  No potatoes, no bread, no rice, no ANYTHING starchy... Did I mention no potatoes?

No Refined Sugars
Like sugar in your coffee? No-can-do's-ville baby!
Like eating spoonfulls of icing or peanut butter or (GASP!) sugar?  Not today!

For me, those are the two hardest parts of this new diet.  I know we've all gone our round with the Adkins diet over the years, but let me tell you now, there is no comparison.  Paleo is like the mega scary, take-away-everything-you-like version of Adkins with a side of no-you-can't-have-that.

I was immediately intimidated and wanted to quit before I started.  I felt like I couldn't even have things I had been trained in the past to eat as 'healthy' food.  No brown rice, no low-fat mozzarella, no skim milk.  It was hard enough settling for those things!  Now to take them away too?  Not fair, Paleo!

The Marvel
I can have dark chocolate.  Let me repeat that I CAN HAVE DARK CHOCOLATE!!!!

I don't have to give up coffee. Sure, it's not the best thing for me, but so far, it's what's keeping me sane.  Add a little honey (all nat-you-ral) and some almond milk and PRESTO! a good morning is made.  Do I still want it oozing with real sugar and some cream?  Absolutely! But this new, healthier-ish version will have to do.

I can eat fruit.  I mean tons and tons of fruit.  My previous diets really limited me on the amount of fruits I can have because of how high in natural sugars they are.  Not Paleo, thank you Jesus!  I can have a banana for breakfast, apples with lunch and oranges with dinner if I want and it's completely okay.

What I have learned so far in this diet is that I have even less willpower than I thought I had.  When my body is telling me it needs sugar, and I find some; Lord help the person that stands in my way of the melted candy I found stuck to the inside pocket of my purse.  That was probably a bit of an over-share but we're all friends here, right?

I have also learned that I mess it up allot.  Sometimes, I am just not strong enough to say no to something I want so bad.  Or I find a way to reason it out or justify it.  BUT; Each day I make good choices, too.  Paleo-good choices at that!

Rather than wallow in my failures, I've decided to set a goal.  Tomorrow, I will make it thru the entire day on a Paleo diet.  It isn't the first one I've completed in my short journey, but it is a day I'm determining to be a success.

Are you trying Paleo?  Is anyone else out there feeling my struggle?? I would love to hear

For more information on the PCOS struggle, follow this link.